Michigan Rivalry Jokes
In a freak accident involving the Buckeyes mascot, a video camera and a tube of KY Jelly, Jim Tressell died, and went to heaven. When he arrived, St. Peter was waiting for him. He began to show him around the neighborhood, and eventually reached his dwelling. It was a nice log cabin with an OSU flag out front. They continued walking and eventually reached a huge 3 story mansion with tons of U of M decor in the yard and on the house. Tressell gets angry, and looks over at St. Peter.
"Why does Lloyd Carr get a mansion, while I’m stuck in a log cabin? Sure it’s nice, but he gets this? The guy can’t even lead his team to a bowl game victory for Christ sake!" Tressell yells.
St. Peter replies, "Jim, that’s not Lloyd Carr’s house, that’s God’s."
Capital One is hiring Maurice Clarett for a new series of upcoming commercials when he is out on work-release.
He'll be outside of a stadium holding a gun yelling, "What's in your wallet?"
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling" he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky. "Every thing's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I...I have been a Buckeye Fan all of my life!"
"I know sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work."
Two Ohio State students are walking by a storefront and see a sign that reads:
Suits $5.00 each
Shirts $2.00 each
Trousers $2.50 per pair
One says to the other, "Look! We could buy a whole lot of those, and when we get back to campus, we could make a fortune. Now when we go into the shop, you be quiet, okay. Just let me do the talking."
They go into the store and the Buckeye fan says, "I'll take 50 suits at $5.00 each, 100 shirts at $2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at $2.50 each. I'll back up my truck up and ....."
The owner of the shop interrupts him, "You're from Ohio State, aren't you?"
"Well...yes," says the surprised Buckeye fan. "How did you know that?"
The owner says, "This is a dry cleaners."
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Buckeye fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were too. Not really knowing what a Buckeye fan was but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. "Because I'm not a Buckeye fan." Then, asks the teacher, what are you? "Why I'm a proud Michigan Wolverine fan," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.
She asks Kristen why she is a Wolverine fan. "Well, my mom and dad are Wolverine fans, so I'm a Wolverine fan too."
The teacher is now angry.
"That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
After a pause, and a smile, Kristen says...
"Then I'd be a Buckeye fan."
A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a Buckeye joke?"
The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am an Ohio State graduate. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he is an Ohio State graduate. The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250lbs. and he is also an Ohio State graduate. Now, you still wanna tell me that joke?"
The first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have to explain it three times"
It was reported that the Ohio Football Coach Jim Tressel will only be dressing 20 players for the Michigan game ...the rest of the players will have to dress them selves.
A highly recruited high school football player was visiting schools to try and find the best college to attend. His first stop was at Florida State.
When he got there, Bobby Bowden immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God" and hung up. This shocked the young man. He asked the coach what was so special about the golden phone.
"Well, this phone is a direct line to God. And God tells us whether or not new recruits would be stars at our university. And we think you could be one of our stars!" The athlete asked if he could use the phone to ask God what college he should pick. "Sure, you can! But it's going to cost you $1,250. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." The fellow didn't have that kind of money, so he moved along. Who would want to live in Florida anyway?
His next stop was Ohio State. Upon entering Jim Tressel's office, Coach Tressel immediately picked up a golden telephone. After talking several minutes, he said, "Thank you, God. We'll let him know." and hung up. The boy said, "Hey, I've seen that phone before. Can I use yours to call God and ask what college I should pick?" Tressel said, "Sure, but it's going to cost you $150. Calling Heaven isn't cheap." Again, not having that kind of money, the lad left. He didn't want to live in Ohio either.
His last stop was in Ann Arbor, Michigan. Upon arrival at the office, Coach Carr picked up a golden telephone, talked to God. After a few minutes he said, "Thanks," and hung up. The boy just had to use that phone, so he said, "Coach, I really need to use that golden telephone so I can call God and ask him which college I should choose. From Florida it was going to cost me $1,250. From Ohio they wanted $150. So how much will it cost me to call Heaven from here at Michigan?"
The coach smiled and said, "Nothing, son. It's a local call."
1) You know you're from Ohio State when you cut Ohio State's final score in your lawn before the UM/OSU game.
2)You know you're from Ohio State when you brainwash your little boy into thinking he's a little girl by dressing him in girl clothes.
3) You know you're from Ohio State when you think you can get $25.00 from "about 2200 cans".
4) You know you're from Ohio State when you think a win in UM/OSU basketball means anything.
5) You know you're from Ohio State when your kid wears his custom OSU helmet on the short bus to school and when he enrolls as a freshman at OSU 25 years later.
Did you hear that the Ohio State University library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed.... the football team is really upset by the fire; they hadn't colored in two of the books yet!
Q: Why wasn't Jesus born in Ohio?
A: They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
The only thing stopping Ohio State cheerleaders from going to Jenny Craig is the door frame.
What's the only sign of intelligent life in Columbus?
Ann Arbor: 187 Miles
Q: What does the average Ohio State University student get on his SAT?
A: Drool
Q: How do you get an Ohio State Graduate off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.
Q: What kind of car does Jim Tressel own?
A: Lloyd Carr
Cleaver, so it made the cut.
A Professor invents an IQ machine that boosts a person's IQ to 300 and then starts counting backward. He connects his wife to it, turns it off at 190, and she starts explaining quantum physics. He tries it out on his brother Bill, turns it off at 175, and Bill starts talking advanced calculus. Then he plugs in his cousin Bob. Just then the phone rings, and it's a telemarketer. By the time he gets back to unplug Bob, the machine is counting down: 14 - 13 - 12. He slams the switch to "off," shakes Bob and screams, "Say something!" and Bob says, "Go BUCKS!"
(AP) South Bend, Indiana Notre Dame Unveils New Mascot
The University of Notre Dame’s Board of Trustees announced they are changing the school’s legendary mascot. In a prepared statement, Mr. Biolchini, a newly appointed University Trustee read from a prepared statement.
“The NCAA asked us to look into the (mascot) question and we have. After careful study, we determined the term ‘Fighting Irish’ is inflammatory to a specific ethnic group. It has always been our belief that the Irish are a proud and noble race. It was never our intention to make light or demean the Irish people.
After consulting with students, faculty, members of the community, and Pope Benedict XVI, we determined the Cicada is more befitting our University. Just like our football team, the Cicada goes dormant for years before emerging in all its glory. When it does come out, it is loud and obnoxious. The Cicada looks mean and ugly, but it is really quite easy to kill.”
Mr. Biolchini did not take any questions from the stunned pressroom. He could not be reached for comment.
Four college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day: An OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad. Each proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all.
They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled him self off the mountainside shouting "This is for the fighting Irish!"
Not wanting to be outdone, the Penn State grad threw him self off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!"
Seeing this, the Michigan grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Wolverines!" and pushed the Ohio State grad off the mountain.
Q: What did the OSU grad say to the Michigan grad?
A: "Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"
The US Department of Transportation recently took a poll discovering that the majority of people involved in car accidents in 49 of 50 states utter the words: "Oh Crap!" The only state that did not fit this statistic was Ohio in which the majority of people said, "Hold my beer, watch this!"
A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the store."
But, I'm a OSU graduate," the young man replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."
A Buckeye fan was sitting at a table reading the Newspaper, The headline read: "12 Brazilian Soldiers Killed." He shook his head at the sad news, then turned to the man sitting next to him and asked, "How many is a Brazilian?"
Two Ohio State football players were hootin' and hollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating. The smart one said proudly that they had just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months. "Two months?!" exclaimed the bartender. The Buckeye proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 - 6 years!"
A Buckeye football player was almost killed today in a tragic horse back riding accident. He fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse just in time.
A little boy and his mother were walking through an Ohio cemetery when they came upon a headstone that read: "Here lies an OSU graduate and a good man."
The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, why did they bury two people in there?"
Coaches Jim Tressel and Lloyd Carr are walking down the beach talking about the rivalry between Ohio State and Michigan As they are walking, Lloyd trips over something in the sand. Upon closer inspection it turns out to be a genie's lamp. "Who disturbs me?" asked the genie. Jim and Lloyd both say they did. "You will each get one wish," said the genie. Jim offers to go first. "I want an impenetrable wall built around the entire state of Ohio so that none of those stupid Michiganians can ever get in. I want it as far down into the ground as it is high and I want it to be completely sealed in so that we can finally have our peace!" The genie grants the wish to Jim and his is instantly whisked away to his new paradise. The genie now tells Lloyd he'll grant him one wish. Lloyd says, "Fill it up with water."
Q: Why is ice no longer available at Ohio State football games?
A: Because the senior who knew the recipe finally graduated!
Q: What are the three longest years of a Ohio State football player's life?
A: His freshman year!
Q: What do you have when you get 32 Buckeye fans together?
A: A full set of teeth.
Two boys are playing football at a park in Ann Arbor, Michigan, when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy, "I'll title it 'Young Wolverine Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal'".
"But I'm not a Wolverine fan." the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we're in Ann Arbor, Michigan, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does 'Spartan Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not a Spartan fan either, " the boy says.
"Oh, I thought everyone in Michigan was either for the Wolverines or the Spartans. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Ohio State Buckeyes fan," the boy replies. "They're the best."
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes: "Little Bastard From Ohio Kills Beloved Family Pet."
This guy went into a store and told the clerk:
"I want a red outfit. I want a red jacket and grey slacks. I want a
red shirt and tie. I want black shoes and red socks".
Clerk: "Are you an Ohio State graduate?"
Guy: "Yes, I am. How did you know?"
Clerk: "Because this is a hardware store."
Q: How many pallbearers would be needed for a OSU alumni funeral?
A: Two. A garbage can only has two handles.
Maurice Clarett was sitting in remedial English. The professor asks, "What comes after the sentence?"
His answer, "The appeal."
A Buckeye and Spartan fan were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The Buckeye fan said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The Spartan fan said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
There's a OSU student driving from Columbus to Ann Arbor,and a U of M student driving from Ann Arbor to Columbus. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Buckeye manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive! "Likewise the Wolverine scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Buckeye walks over to the Wolverine and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.
"The Wolverine thinks for a moment and says, "You know,you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived this wreck. So the Wolverine pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels. He says to the Buckeye, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship. The Buckeye says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Buckeye hands it back to the Wolverine and says, "Your turn!" The Wolverine twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
What do students from MSU and U of M have in common?
They were both accepted into MSU.
Did you hear about the student who flunked out of U of M and then went to MSU?
He raised the standards of both schools.
What's the difference between Michigan State and cereal?
Cereal is always in a bowl!
How do you keep a MSU athlete from masturbating?
Paint his manhood maize and blue...he'll never beat it again!
Top Ten Courses at MSU
10. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It with an "F"?
9. Prelaw Seminar: Age of Consent in 50 States
8. Sandwich Making: A Project Course
7. Hand-Shadow Workshop
6. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Friend
5. Cliff's Notes vs. Monarch Notes: 2 Views of the Classics
4. Hydraulic Principles of the Keg
3. The College Classroom: A Simulation
2. ABC's: An Extended Version
1. Your Ass from a Hole in the Ground: A Comparative Study
How do you keep a Spartan out of your yard?
Put up a goal post!
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy! I want to be a Spartan when I grow up!"
Mom answers, "Now Johnny, you know you can't do both."
What do you get when you drive slowly thru East Lansing?
A degree from MSU.
What's the best thing to come out of Lansing?
Interstate 69
Why do MSU men have it so good?
When the research students are done studying the cows, the jocks can date them!
One day in Heaven the Lord decided he would visit earth and take a
stroll.
Walking down the road, the Lord encountered a man who was crying. The
Lord asked the man, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said that he was blind and had never seen a sunset. At this
point, the Lord touched the man and he could see and, of course, the man was truly
happy.
As the Lord walked further, he met another man who was crying and
asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man was crippled and had never been able to walk. At this point,
the Lord touched the man and he could walk and, of course, the man was
truly happy.
Farther down the road, the Lord met another man who was also crying and
asked, "Why are you crying, my son?"
The man said, "Lord, I'm a Michigan State Spartan fan " and at that
point, the Lord sat down and cried with him.